I’ve been wrestling with the "good girl" archetype this week.

You know the one, always doing the right thing, always saying the polite, politically correct thing, and holding her tongue rather than saying what she’s really thinking. But that’s not who I really am. It’s a construct, a persona, a mask that I learned to put on as a child to get through life.

Deep down, I’m really a swearing, obstinate, objectionist (yes, I just made that up), and I am just as likely to disagree with you as agree with you.

Why doesn’t this part of me get out to play very often? Quite simply because she’s afraid.

Deep down, I’m afraid that if everyone saw what I’m really like, the real me under all the masks, no one would like me. It sounds trivial, but it’s a survival instinct so basic that it drives our behaviour without us even realising.

And for good reason. In a tribe, you can’t be anything outside of what is acceptable, lest you be thrown out, expelled, or even exiled, never allowed to return. In the distant past of humanity, that probably meant certain death.

Today, we might be able to survive on our own. In fact, there are more people living alone than ever before. However, surviving isn’t the same as thriving; we need our people. In a world that is more connected than ever, instantly knowing events that took place on the other side of the world, we are more separate and lonelier than ever.

It doesn’t have to be that way.

The good girl archetype appears on the surface to be a way to stay "in" the group you choose, to remain part of your family, your friends, your colleagues. Really, it can be just as lonely as being an outcast.

If no one ever sees the real me, the swearing, opinionated, self-absorbed human that I am underneath the good girl guise, then that can be just as lonely. There are millions of people living seemingly connected lives who still feel lonely.

How do I know? I’m a good girl and have been all my life. This is not simply people pleasing; it goes much deeper than that and has a dark side.

The good girl is sensitive, empathic, and can read the room. She’s the one who goes to a function where she knows the host and invariably senses what is needed: a chair needs to be moved so someone can carry boxes past, or an instruction needs to be passed on to the right person when no one else is available, so she quietly steps in to help.

This doesn’t come from a place of overt manipulation, I recognise that there is a measure of manipulation and control involved too, not because I want to control everything, quite the contrary.

Now, I’m not dismissing the kindness involved in helping others; I’m only pointing out that, for me, there is a very subtle undercurrent there too. I learned from the youngest age that smoothing the path for those around me makes my life better. So yes, there’s a selfish aspect to this good girl helping.

And all of that happens subconsciously. It’s not like I go about deliberately thinking about what help I could give others that will benefit me. But I can tell you, after years of observing my behaviour, there is definitely an element of self-serving involved.

Interestingly, the more I examine my good girl in action, the more I see that it also reveals how much I judge others.

I grew up very Christian, church six times a week, including twice on Sundays. I even taught Sunday school and studied scripture a lot. I strayed from the church in my twenties when I couldn’t reconcile the behaviour I witnessed with the "good" people in the church. How could good people do such bad things?

The scripture I keep coming back to is this: "Judge not, lest ye be judged" (Matthew 7:1). I have found this to be the primary reason my good girl exists.

I judge everyone around me, all the time. Their behaviour, how they look, how they dress, their facial expressions, their words. I’m really quite judgy. And this is precisely what allows my good girl to continue to exist. Heaven forbid anyone do anything I judge as bad, cast them out of the tribe.

For me, there is so much more to my good girl than what it looks like at first glance. The way I am working through it is to first recognise all the times she shows up. This can happen numerous times a day.

These are the times I swallow my words or choose them carefully to prevent offence, or when I choose to do something (or not do something) to keep the peace so I don’t have to face a potential confrontation. Most of the time, I don’t even notice until after she’s been triggered and I’ve already acted as the good girl.

I am trying to live a more authentic life, though. One where I can say what I really think most of the time, with kindness and discernment.

Most of all, I’m looking to create a less judgemental life, particularly in the way I judge myself. The difference between judging and discerning is subtle but worth considering. Discernment asks me to consider my words and actions, but doesn’t turn them into a verdict on who I am like judgement can. I can decide not to say something because it would be hurtful, rather than because saying it would make me a bad person.

Perhaps the freer, more authentic version of me is the woman who can decide:

· I'll help this time because I genuinely want to.

· No, I'm not stepping in this time.

· I'm keeping that thought to myself.

· Actually, I'm going to say what I think.

· I behaved badly there, and I'm going to make it right.

· I did nothing wrong there, even though someone didn't like it.

Critically, none of those actions determine whether I’m a good person. For me, this is still a work in progress, but I think it is one of the most important unravelling processes I will ever do in this lifetime.

So today, I’m continuing to work on my good girl by watching my judgement and allowing my real self to be seen, one small step at a time.

If I let a few swear words slip when I haven’t before, or if I speak more directly than usual, please know I’m still me. I’m just letting the real me off the leash a little more.

• What parts of yourself have you decided are unacceptable, and who taught you that?

• What do you think would happen if everyone saw all of you, not just the version you present that is safe?

• What might you let off the leash, just a little?

May this day bring you peace. May you feel the warmth of the sun on your face.

Until next time,

Leeanne

P.S. I’d love to hear from you. If you feel like sharing, simply reply to this email: What are you ready to let the leash off?

P.P.S. Do you know another “good girl”, who could also benefit from a seed to carry? Feel free to share. Subscription is free.